Continued from Newsletter: One Mom's Perspective on Picky Eaters
I think we often focus too much on what and how much food our kids are eating rather than the attitudes towards nourishment that we model and develop within them. I feel a really important piece is to begin by establishing predictable and comforting routines around mealtimes and snacktimes. Kids who know what to expect during the day tend to be more relaxed, more receptive, and less likely to stage a battle. They also want parents to make the decisions. We fall into the trap of thinking our small children need choices so they can feel empowered, but really young children struggle with the simplest of choices and they need us, especially when it comes to food, to simply know that mom or dad is going to feed them good food. They need to trust that we know best and that our job is to nourish them, helping them to grow up big and strong.
So, if we establish a very predictable routine around food--at this time of day, after a sequence of other predictable events (naps, outings, playtime... in essentially the same order at the same times every day), it is mealtime (whether it is breakfast, lunch, snack, or supper). And mealtime isn't just a time for the child to be offered and/or chased with food. Everyone (mom, dad, children, even babies--whoever is home for the meal) gathers around the table and eats together, sitting down. Model calmness, even a bit of reverence for the food that nourishes us and the joy of being together. Everyone at the meal should be served the same meal, with slight tweaks to account for small children and choking, allergies, etc. For example, in our house last night we had stir fried vegetables, a spicier chicken dish, and brown rice. My husband and I had a bit of everything on our plates. My 3 year old had rice, the veggies, and a bit of the chicken, which was there for him to try and if he didn't like it, he wouldn't have to eat it. My 1 year old had a plate of rice and some of the veggies cut up really small, but none of the spicy chicken. All of this was plated for them in the kitchen and brought to the table without discussion. If you don't open things up for discussion by asking "Would you like ____?" or "What do you want to eat for dinner?" there is less likelihood of a child arguing or requesting something you don't really want them to be eating.)
Food should be offered, but not forced. Set a plate in front of the child and allow them to feed themselves, selecting what appeals to them. Have enough variety on a child's plate to give them options, but, especially for picky eaters or kids' who just shovel food into their mouths, keep portions small. Really small for the picky eater. This will help a picky eater not feel overwhelmed and give him/her a chance to succeed. Gentle reminders to try different foods are good, but don't force it. Just keep offering variety at each meal. Kids will not starve themselves and eventually they'll get enough of what they need.
Pay attention to your own behaviors and attitudes, how we eat (in a rush? out of the fridge when the urge hits us? standing up? after we rush around feeding the children? only certain foods to the exclusion of others? mom eats what she likes, dad eats what he likes, and so on..? Kids will copy all of these behaviors, thinking that is how eating is done).
Good manners at the table are important too, even for the youngest of children. Establish clear expectations, don't waver on them and calmly reinforce them. For us, at home, this means sitting on your chair (or, for the baby since he was a wee infant, sitting near us in his swing until he was big enough to start eating solids). Everyone has their own place, which is part of the predictability piece. No discussion or arguing about who sits where. For us, at dinner especially, we wait until everyone is seated and we've said our blessing, to start eating. Asking to be excused for the older child. Even a baby, at one, can be introduced to using a plate and spoon, and he gets gentle reminders to not bang it, not drop it, etc. When an assertive child tests the limits, remain calm but stick to the limits. If the limits never change, over time a child will learn that dropping the spoon, throwing water, jumping out of the chair and running away at mealtime, etc. is not acceptable. It will stop occurring to them to do so.
Be as predictable as you can. Be as calm and reverent about food as you can. Trust that our children, when they know what to expect and what is expected of them, will stop battling with us and will tune in to their own bodies' needs. They will eat. And if all you offer is good food, they'll be eating good food.