Continued from page 1 Energy
I find certain forms of energy very physical and others very emotional. My husband put his hand on my knee while we were driving the other day and I could actually feel his energy transferring to me. It was warm. It was real. It was filling a need I wasn't aware I had. It reminded me I need to be touched that way more often. As a mother, I give away those 'touches' all day. I give hugs, I mend wounds, I wipe tears, I tickle, I wrestle and I pray my son can feel my energy being given to him the way I felt my husband's that day.I used to give my energy away like it was going out of style. When I learned I was pregnant, that stopped. I started giving my energy to the baby growing inside of me. I really listened to my body and gave it what it needed. This came at a great cost to all the other people in my life who were used to getting their 'fix' from me. I had a lot of energy addicts in my life. I think most people are embattled with a few of them in their life. These people disguise themselves as friends in order to feed from you until they feel full enough to go on and conquer whatever it is they need to conquer that day. I also had a lot of actual energy deficient people in my life….real people with real problems with real feelings of hopelessness and confusion as to how to move forward. When your energy becomes rationed it is easy to see who to limit and I did. I cut off the junkies in my life. I don't remember feeling so light.
Pregnancy, and the energy rationing that accompanied it, forced me to reexamine familial relationships in my life. Pre-energy rationing I felt it was my duty to give my energy away to family, regardless of how I was treated in return. These relationships are so challenging and energy draining because they are riddled with a sense of loyalty, a sense of guilt, a sense of love, and a sense of obligation that only relationships of shared blood have. I am not sure I have these relationships quite figured out yet. I best categorize them a work in progress. I would say the changes I have made are enormous, yet they still can keep me up at night…maybe these types of relationships always fall somewhere in that gray area. I haven't quite figured out how to balance devotion with independence.
Most importantly, energy-rationing benefited those that deserve it. I am honored to have a lot of really beautiful relationships in my life. I am grateful I finally was granted the wisdom to identify their need to be nurtured and that I found the courage to reevaluate where my energy was being spent. I have found people and places that are swimming with positive energy and I make certain that I find the time to visit them.
Motherhood poses a unique challenge. The basic job description of motherhood is to give energy to your child. It starts at conception, whether you offer it willingly or not, that baby takes energy from you in order to grow. Creating and sustaining life is probably the most energy one can offer. The challenge most mothers face at some point is how to balance energy in their life. We carry a tremendous amount of concern over whether we are giving enough energy to our children, enough to our partners, enough to our friends, our careers, our family…..ourselves. I don't think there is an easy answer….there certainly is no universal answer. There are circumstances that arise each day that compete for our energy. I am constantly prioritizing my energy and I find it to be the most challenging task I do in a day. Some days I have to fight every urge in my body to keep myself from stewing over a rude comment, an injustice, someone's arrogance, inequality. I don't always win but I do recognize that energy given away must come from somewhere and I try my very hardest not to take it away from my son.
I have begun a new journey. I have gotten through a very challenging phase of mothering my first child. His need to survive on my energy alone has lessened. I give myself credit for persisting through some very lonely and exhausting days. I hold that accomplishment in a place in my heart right next to the place that holds memories of moments which I was less than a perfect mother. I finally stopped comparing my accomplishments with my failures and I give them equal residence in my heart. Neither should be analyzed too deeply. His development allows me to now feed from his energy. His laughter, his hugs, his silliness all give me great joy and I draw so much positive energy from him. My challenges now lie in deciphering that fine line between taking too much from him and giving too much to him. Maybe that will always be my challenge as a mother.
It is important that mothers find what gives them energy and surround themselves with people and places that nourish their spirit. Being a mother should not mean denying one's self of such an integral part of well-being. Listen to what the energy around you is telling you. Allow your self to feel and honor those feelings. Find the courage to say good-bye to the people and places that bring you harm. Seek out the people and places that heal you, that nurture you, that bring you joy. Invite good energy into your heart, into your life, into your home and into your very being. I guarantee that your burdens will be lighter, your laughter will be louder, and your love will be stronger.